Tag Archives: soul

A note to my boys about my reality

Aang, the Last Airbender

Last summer, I rebelled from my reality. I went in search of my true self and claimed a Vision Quest was the way to best do it. In this reality in which I lived, though, my personal search was not “right.”

I had two sons, both in their mid-to-late teens at the time. I had a husband, although our goals had begun to change. I had a mother and father, a sister and brother, cousins and one remaining grandparent in this reality. I had a job teaching high school seniors. I had friends and coworkers.

But I was dying inside. I was trying to find happiness in the little things that could help me glue the puzzle of my reality together. But the glue was weak.

My mother and grandmother sensed something was wrong with me. I shrugged off their concern. “What? Me, depressed? Of course not. I’m the happiest person I know,” I said, insisting the unhappiness they sensed was because of the job or because of the political system or because my husband was still unable to find a full-time job after five years on the market. No problem, really. At least he published a novel and received an award for it.

No one knew the truth, though. Not even me.

What I learned during last summer’s rebellious break-out road trip was that I still loved God, despite the annoying, anti-human noise from “Religious” systems that profess love for God, but refuse to love their fellow man or even our planet itself!

I also found that I had so much to learn about myself and my connection with God.

When I was young, I would walk among the butterflies and talk to them. I would imagine walking with Jesus through a rose garden and filling my soul up from His fullness of being. I would see His love in the people around me and I knew the truth behind Namaste –

“I honor the place in you in which the entire universe dwells.

I honor the place in you which is of love, of truth, of light, and of pace.

When you are in that place in you, and I am in that place in me, we are one.”

But somewhere along the way, my life had changed. I’d lost that connection to Source. My Soul was screaming to get it back again.

And this is why this is a letter to my sons.

Dear boys,

I love you more than life itself. You know that. But there’s one thing that I love more, and that is my connection to my Higher Self and to my God.

I’m sorry I rarely forced you to sit down at church to listen to the word of God. Wil, you could always tell the fakers. Thomas, you seemed so trusting of others that I felt I had to protect you from the same harsh judgments that kept God out of my childhood.

But in hiding from my truth all these years, I wonder if you ever understood what really drives me.

I’m so sorry for not being honest with you. I hoped that the things we talked about helped you get a good idea of where I stood on things, but I never force-fed you my God. You see, I don’t believe in forcing God on anyone. When you need His guidance, you will find it within you.

God is love and peace and truth and authenticity. To me loving God means being grateful for the life I’ve been given and the beauty of nature. Loving God means standing up for those who can’t stand up for themselves. It means speaking out against Oil Drilling and Fracking and GMOs and Veal and, by now, for any farm-raised animal product. (I don’t eat meat at all, but you guys know that now.) It means representing for this planet, our only home, that many of us seem to take for granted thinking she is just as permanent as God.

So, my guys, I just have one more thing to tell you now that you are no longer little boys. You are men and can speak for yourselves. Now is the time for you to make your own paths. I know you are now self-proclaimed scientists. I beg you to open you hearts just a little bit more.

Remember the episodes of “The Last Avatar” we would watch on Friday nights when you were younger? Aang and Katara and I believe the same things about God and self and the world. The goal was to bring the four nations together in peace, despite each particular nation’s personal goals.

I believe very strongly in that reality and in the Source spirit they hinted at in the show.

How about the Pokémon world where Ash and his fellow trainers worked with the creatures they had captured and trained. I loved the way you learned about nature through Ash and his Pokémon. The creatures worked with Ash to help him. The Professors were all named after trees: Professor Oak, Professor Elm, Professor Juniper, and Ash, you both know, will one day be a professor, too.

In that world, the kids were safe and the goal seemed to be a balance of humanity and nature.

I believe very strongly in that reality.

How about when you wanted to play the guitar or the bass or the trumpet or the cello? (I took you to your lessons every week.) How about when you wanted to join the Boy Scouts and go camping? (We bought a tent and went to the Jamboree.) How about when your personal truth spoke louder than the lessons school tried to silence in you? (I spoke up for you being able to keep your authenticity!)

I believe very strongly that the fire in your soul is stronger than the lessons that try to quiet your truth.

So, as I continue to search for the truth in my own soul, I hope you have learned from the little lessons. I hope you never forget the goodness in Ash and in Aang, and I hope you will one day realize that what keeps you real, what keeps you true to the fire in your soul, is your connection to that God within you.

And that part of you is sacred.

I love you, guys. (And, yes, I’m crying, Thomas!)


The Dragonfly’s Student

Learning to work with my shadow

El Ratoncito is what Mom used to call him, that little mouse that eats away at my insides. It’s been years since she identified him, years since I started accessing Spirit and growing in my own right. He’s still around. I don’t recognize him until it’s too late to curb my response, and that response is sometimes more than I can humanly handle.

Does anyone else have this problem?

I survive by watching and feeling. If something feels right, I accept that as communication from my Higher Self or God/Source. But that little mouse sitting somewhere in my soul watches and waits, reacting only when he feels the time is right to reveal a truth I’ve been hiding.

I try to understand, but it’s impossible. I’ve talked it out with my friends, written about it in my journals, even visited counselors, but the little mouse won’t reveal himself until the time is right.

I wonder who he is and what his function could possibly be.

He is my inner truth. I wonder if he represents one of my roommates, those four parts of me that make up the entire human. I’ve written about it before. Freud called them Id, Ego, and Superego. Erik Medhus calls them the four roommates – Mind, Spirit, Body, and Soul. (http://www.channelingerik.com/the-four-roommates/)

The latest Ratoncito incident revealed a disagreement between Spirit and … I guess … Body… or maybe Mind. Geez, I can’t figure it out. Spirit is willing and loving whatever gets thrown in my way. Body steps over and around and has learned to accept and make the best of things. Mind, however… Maybe Ratoncito is Mind.

Then I remember El Juglador’s recent comment: “To be critical, without hope, is cynicism. To be hopeful without cynicism is to be naïve.” And I remember the shadow he spoke of.

Yes. My Ratoncito is part of this thing. It hides within my memories and experiences, connecting them with emotions in order to help me remember. He is my shadow. He is Mind. He is that part of me that I usually try to run from because of the connections that remind me of the pain associated with my experiences.

Most days, my little mouse is locked in his cage, running around aimlessly on his wheel and paying attention to what goes on in my life. I think he’s running aimlessly, but he’s noticing. He knows. And when the time is right, he attacks.

I consider it an attack because I don’t like to feel helpless. I usually put up a wall to protect my heart from pain. That little mouse feels it for me, and sometimes he needs to share.

I guess it’s not bad to remember the emotions. I guess it’s okay to let myself feel the tears and the pain, the shadows of my existence. To do that, to allow the four roommates to share and to be whole, is the goal of our human existence, isn’t it? Shouldn’t we be able to recognize, enjoy, and conquer the duality of this human experience?

I think so.

To begin with, I think I’ll give him a name.

Ladies and gentlemen, I’d like to introduce you to Claude the Mouse. …

Claude the Mouse

My Tuwanassapi — a Place of Belonging

The Royal Poinciana tree in my Meditation Space

Day 3

Seeking Teacher, I have embarked on a soul journey.

Create a sacred space, the guide book tells me. The Hopi indians called this their Tuwanasaapi, their place of belonging. The recommendation the book made was for a physical wheel or circle for me to sit in during my trip, but Teacher intruded into my thought again.

I found him, silent and smirking under the Royal Poinciana tree in my meditation space where we first met.

“Make your Tuwanassapi in your Meditation Space. I’ll be your North.”

So the Royal Poinciana tree, with its vivid red and green colors, represents my North. Teacher also guided me to focus on the chakra colors. Red and Green. Root and Heart. I guess we’ll be working on those. That’ll have to come in a different blog post.

East is next. I thought long and hard about the space where I haven’t been in a while because of the stresses of life. “What was to the East?” Oh, yes. The stream or, actually, a brook at this point — blue, it babbles as it rushes over dark gray stones worn smooth. The dark stones make the water look more rich, like that Indigo color I so love. Blue and Indigo. Throat and Third-eye.

West. What’s to my left is a field of purple and yellow wildflowers. Crown and Solar Plexus — my connection to Spirit and my gut instinct. Interesting field I had created!

South. Directly behind me is my house on a cliff and, flowing over the sky from the ocean which my house overlooks is a glorious splash of orange and pink from the sunset. (I know, it’s the South to my wheel, but faces West. I’m not even going to go crazy trying to explain it. It is what it is!) Sacral is Orange. It speaks of creativity. Pink, well, because I’m human, in means love to me!

When I finish mapping out my circle, I look toward Teacher, sitting, cross-legged under the Royal Poinciana that in Spanish is known as the Flamboyant.

I look for approval.

He smirks, shrugs, and, when I’ve just about lost my patience, he smiles. “Good luck.”

This is my next lesson, he says — to find the Teacher inside my heart.

That is all he says. Now he waits to congratulate me or to pick me up when I fall too hard.

Until next time, I’m forever faithfully

The Dragonfly’s Student

The Roommate Retreat

In the silence of the classroom after class has let out, I feel a sense of bravery. Only Teacher and I remain in the classroom. He is grading our latest exams. I stayed to talk.

“Why did you seek me out, Teacher? Seriously, I had no clue this school existed until that day you showed up in my classroom.”

Teacher glances at me out of the corner of his eye. “I had to. You’d forgotten our deal.”

“What deal? I’d never met you.”

“Is that what you think? Really? After all of this time?”

I chuckle. “Nah, it’s not really what I think anymore. Heck I dropped everything to follow you, dude.” I tap my fingers on my thigh until I work up the nerve again. “The thing is, Doubt is an evil neighbor. I go through life wearing rose-tinted glasses that blind me to the crap everyone else experiences, but every now and again I wonder how real my life is.”

My confession shocks me, but Teacher in unfazed.

Sometimes I wonder if I’m just making all of this up.

“What would you be making up?” See, that’s what I’m talking about. How come he can read my mind?

“What would I be making up?” I repeat the question. “You, my classmates, this school, this life,” I list my doubts. “I wonder if I’m still a teacher in room 406 just creating a really great fantasy world.” I focus my gaze on his steely blue eyes. “Is this all just a figment of my imagination?”

“It’s not in the 3D, that much I can tell you,” Teacher answers, setting aside his purple marking pen and another graded packet. “My dear, that 3D world you worry about so much is not reality. This is your reality.”

“What?” I try to shake the cobwebs of uncertainty out of my head. “How can my imagination be more real than the place where my body lives?”

“If you have to ask, your heart is not in it yet.”

He pushes himself from the desk and approaches me.

“Of course my Heart is in this. I love this life. I’d rather be here than anywhere else.”

“And your Soul? Where is your Soul?”

“My Soul? Isn’t that the same as my Heart? I’m confused.”

“Mind, Body, Soul, and Heart. Those are the four parts of you that share your existence. Four Roommates, if you will.”

“I’ve heard this, Teacher.”

“But you’re still questioning.”

“Well…” I stumble over an excuse that will help me save face. I’m supposed to be his TA. I’m supposed to know all of this.

“You’re still unsure.”

To keep from meeting his gaze, I glance at the purple and blue Dragonfly pendant I’ve placed on my bracelet. I feel him walking closer. “I don’t know what I’m sure of anymore.”

The words rip at my Soul, that part of me that knows every facet of my essence.

“What’s the difference between your Heart and your Soul?” Teacher crouches next to my desk, and the question causes the dam holding back my tears to burst. His hand brushing the top of my head soothes, but not enough to stop the pain.

“This is your Heart causing your tears. Your Soul doesn’t doubt. Your Soul knows the truth your Mind can’t accept. So when doubt causes you pain, that’s simply a roommate issue. Doubt is just a nickname for Mind those times she thinks too much.

“When you accept the reality of me, the reality of your Soul, your roommates take sides. Mind and Body in the physical, Heart and Soul with the Spirit. Logically, it would be difficult for Body to join them all in the Spirit World, but, ah, if we could join them all in the physical, now that would be heavenly!”

Suddenly, it all makes sense. “If we could get the roommates to accept each other in the 3D physical world…”

“That’s why you’re having so much trouble with this, dear Writer, but you are so close. If your Mind can accept your Heart and Soul in all of their varying forms, then all the body needs to do is live in the Now and enjoy her new blessing.”

Now to schedule a friendly roommate retreat to get everyone on the same page!

“Thank you, Teacher. You are too patient!

Until next time, dear classmates, I remain your ever-faithfullly,

The Dragonfly’s Student