Tag Archives: pain

Who drives the vehicle known as you?

Lately, I’ve been feeling like I’m trapped in a Chinese finger trap. Who am I and where am I going? Am I a mother, a daughter, a sister, a friend? Am I something else that has no identity in the 3D world in which my sons, my parents, my siblings and my friends live? Part of me tries to free my finger from the trap, the other part of me fights the inevitable release. Do I need to prove myself or can I just BE myself?

Wikipedia, Finger trap toys

Breathe, ….

Remember the phrase, “God is my co-pilot?”

When I was a kid, that saying was plastered on the bumpers of cars stuck in Miami traffic or flying low on passing lanes on the turnpike. Priests made it the subject of sermons. Youth group leaders sported the idea on T-shirts. It was something they thought was right. They believed having God as your co-pilot meant you were truly Christian.

I wondered, though, what does that mean? I’m still trying to figure it out. Maybe God shouldn’t be a co-pilot. Maybe He’s a Navigator. 

The Bible says this Navigator created us on the sixth day,

And God said, Let us make man in our image, after our likeness: and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over the cattle, and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth. Genesis 1:26, KJV

This section of Genesis is often overlooked or misunderstood. The explanation I present here is that the “us” the Creator speaks of is The Godhead, the Creator’s own male and female trinity, The Father, the Holy Spirit and the Son. That is the foundation on which I will build my argument today. It is, of course, open for discussion. I am far from being an expert.

Past attempts at explanation

When my Dragonfly Teacher was Erik, he taught us about the four roommates, An earlier blog of mine on this topic. (also, Erik’s own blog on the topic might clarify this for you, dear reader.)

In those discussions, we were being asked to identify the parts of our being that, in this human existence, sometimes (or maybe frequently) act as warring entities within us. The roommates, Spirit, Mind, Body, and Heart, make up the essence of us. At the time, his roommates discussions were fun and interesting, but the idea was over my head. I tried to understand enough of the idea to be able to internalize. It remained outside of my grasp, although still ever-present in my meditations. I think I’m beginning to understand this better, especially when I found the theory in the pages of the Bible, where mankind’s “image of God” is broken down into our Body, Soul and Spirit. As the Apostle Paul writes, we need to allow the three parts to work as one,

Now may the God of peace Himself sanctify you entirely; and may your spirit and soul and body be preserved complete, without blame at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ (1 Thessalonians 5:23 NASB).

Wait. What about Mind and Heart? Where do they fit in? Could the Body equal the mind and the heart?

While St. Paul breaks it down into our own, human trinity, for St. Augustine of Hippo, the breakdown was two, only the Body and the Soul. My Dragonfly Teacher, on the other hand, adds one more. His Four Roommates theory adds to St. Paul’s Spirit, Soul, and Body by making the Mind a Roommate all its own.





Ugh. To tell you the truth, all of this confusion is an ultimate Finger Trap for humanity. Why should we focus so much energy on blaming the different parts of ourselves for our own misfortune, knotting up the strands of the will, the emotions, and the conscience, overthinking everything?

In my own life, the nightmare entity is the “Should’as” that dictate the expectations placed on us as we try to maneuver this existence. Like a template given to me when my Soul entered this Body, I have been trying to follow directions and stick to the model. But whose model am I following?

That’s easy to answer. My entire life I’ve followed the model dictated by that box that sat in my living room growing up. Whatever the movies or TV showed to be ideal, I jotted into my mind as a goal.

What drives me now

I no longer desire to be what society wants. Sometime during the past ten years, since my diagnosis of Multiple Sclerosis in 2007, I found the mechanism that drives this body. I’ve tweaked it and fed it and polished all of those spots that had lost their shine. I knotted up the black snake that led to the TV and threw both away in some hot, arid dumpster in the middle of nowhere.

What I’ve allowed to become the driver of this human vehicle is not a driver at all, it is the knotted-up end of a heavy hemp rope pulling me. As I write this, I’ve discovered that I do not want to be the driver. In this life, I am powerless in what happens to me. (I know it sounds defeatist, but hear me out….) I am powerless and, in accepting this fact, I am freeing myself from the Finger Trap of this reality. 

I allow the Navigator to guide me now. For a brief moment, I believe I am not worthy,

…. I step off the edge of a cliff. Straight down I fall, as if in an invisible elevator, until the door opens and I tumble out to find my way back Home, because now I know the way.

My friends, any theory that creates a war within us only serves to separate us from The Creator. God only wants us to present the roommates as one servant. 

Back to Paul for clarification,

Therefore I urge you, brethren, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies a living and holy sacrifice, acceptable to God, which is your spiritual service of worship. And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect (Romans 12:1-2 NASB).


This is not a task to take lightly. It calls up weeping and torturous pain as you analyze yourself and find your true Heart. In fact, many will not be able to do this. The most you can hope for, maybe, is for a happy life and a release from the Finger Trap.

Good luck, my friends,

The Dragonfly’s Student

Growth isn’t easy

Studying and learning.

When the lessons are about something outside of yourself, like the writings of William Shakespeare, learning about Hamlet and the sonnets is tedious, maybe, or enjoyable, but it’s really just about reading and remembering.

Lessons outside of yourself can sometimes turn and crash into your truth, though, throwing you into a whirlwind of questions.

Hamlet is a troubled young man whose comfortable life slipped away from him when his father died. In Hamlet’s famous To Be or Not To Be soliloquy, the audience is allowed to enter into the mind of this self-important protagonist questioning his very existence. He was uncomfortable with the lessons he was learning about himself.

That’s what you call introspection when the soul isn’t ready for the lessons!

Remembering him, I wondered about myself. How similar are we? I’m not a privileged young man whose cushy existence has been shaken up a little. Or am I? The point is Hamlet’s problem points out a true issue in myself and, I’m wondering, if humanity also resonates with this. How often do we give ourselves the opportunity for soul-searching?

I understand why we don’t, though.

Lessons about ourselves, about the reasons we do things, about the inner workings of our mind and our heart, can make a day at school call up an earthquake of emotions.

That’s how I know I’m learning.

A leap of faith
Sometimes, delving into yourself can feel like stepping off a cliff, but, remember, you will land in the hands of the Source that loves us unconditionally.

Most people don’t understand. Family and Facebook friends especially wonder because I don’t share the inner workings of my soul. On those days when the lessons are exceedingly difficult, I have trouble putting on the mask of contentment. The questions winding through me like rivers rush unchecked until I have an understanding of my reactions.

It’s getting easier now.

The more I break through, the more I grow and the more I love myself and the reality into which I’ve stepped. Well, most days. I just compared myself to Hamlet, for God’s sake. I’ve got more digging to do now!

Your assignment for today, my friends: take some time to look within. Ask yourself why you do the things you do. But start out small.

Ask yourself why you did ONE thing, just one. Don’t settle on the easy answer. If you say because you wanted to make someone happy, ask yourself why. If you say because the Universe was guiding you, ask yourself why you accepted the guidance, ask yourself what you were thinking. If the answer is you weren’t really thinking, then ask yourself why your questioning had shut down.

There are no right or wrong answers, just the truth that will open your eyes and set you free from the matrix that entraps us all. And if what you learn about yourself troubles you, and you don’t have a trusted teacher to help you, use your study-buddy. Email me at dragonflystudent@gmail.com

Happy lessons, my friends, even if the happiness takes a while to materialize.


The Dragonfly’s Student

Waking Up To the Harsh Truths

This return to the real, 3D world is harder than I expected. Suddenly, I can’t deal with things the way I used to.

It’s not that people are giving me a hard time for my lapse. According to my husband and the clock, the only time I lost was the hour and a half I waited at the accident site with the victims of that runaway truck, grateful that I had paused before entering the intersection. Dashed to tears when one of the passengers in another car died in my arms.

I remember my missing time differently. I remember what felt like years I spent in that world with my teacher and my friends at the dragonfly’s university. Now I think I died originally. I remember the blood and the pain, but I think I came back to a different reality. That’s why Teacher had been so attentive those last days as I started to remember. He gave me the option to return, and I jumped at it.

… and when my Beloved wraps me in his arms it is safe to grow and change.

There are times when I wonder if I’m going to live to regret it. Then my kids jump into my arms and I remember why I came back. Sometimes, though, when the smile on my face is no more than a ghost, when I’m fighting the sudden tears that come over me. Those moments I wonder what I can do to go back to that perfect place. That’s when I surrender to my waking dreams.

A flock of black birds breaks through the veil ahead of me.

“What seems to be the problem now, my love,” the voice is warm and coats my nerves like honey. It is so familiar. Before I turn I know. It’s my Beloved. The being I considered joining with to leave Teacher’s classroom. If I had, I would have graduated. I think I would not have come back to my kids if I’d done that.

I don’t turn. Not yet. I know I won’t see him with my conscious eyes. He will only be visible through my inner eye, in that magical place between awake and asleep.

He puts a hand on my left shoulder and my neck tingles in the real world.

“Do not fear. I will never leave you.”

And then I realize I’ve been holding back too much. In that world of my third eye, I collapse in tears. In this one, a slow drop makes its way down my face.

“Are you being authentic, my love?” he says, turning my face toward his.

He knows the truth I can’t accept. I collapse into his arms, sobbing on the robe he wears. He strokes my hair and manages to smooth the hurt in my heart. “That is where your pain lies. You must let the pain go.”

“How? How do I make this go away?” I sob.

“Are you living the life you want to live? Are you being honest?”

“I don’t know. How am I supposed to know that? It used to be so easy to accept my life, now I have so much to compare it with.” My words run like a river just released by the lifting of a dam. “Am I expecting too much? Am I living in a fantasy world that can’t possibly be real? I know that change creates butterflies, but what if change is the wrong thing to want?”

“That is only for you to decide.” His voice falters briefly, but I don’t notice until much later.

“I mean, really, what’s waiting for me on the other side of change? I don’t know. I don’t have your ability to look past the possibilities. Can’t you tell me?”

“No, my dear. Loving me does not give you access to the cheat codes to living on Earth. You have to decide for yourself.”

“But, how …”

“All we can do is show you the way. You must look for the clues, the synchronicities, the breadcrumbs that will lead you back home.”

“So I’m alone in this,” I say, throwing up my hands in frustration.

“You are never alone.”

Then a burst of energy jump-starts my heart before his hand lifts from my shoulder and he goes away.

I yearn for those days when my Dragonfly Teacher would make the lesson so definitively clear for me, and yet I know I would have missed living the rest of my years on earth. So I just have to stand straight and move forward, knowing my eternal love is guiding me from the other side of the veil.

Until the next lesson, dear friends, I remain,

The Dragonfly’s Student

Back to Reality

Now that I’ve left that amazing university in my mind and returned to Earth 3D, circa 2014, I’m wondering if maybe there’s a way back. Seriously, the lessons were so much easier without the doubts and limitations of this amnesia we live here.

The latest bomb to drop I learned at two this morning. Depression is a sign of spiritual awakening. F#&! …

That is so NOT cool. Here I am, Patty Pollyanna driving my happy mobile to spread peace, love and joy to all of humanity. Then this dark, Hummer-sized boulder drops in the middle of the road and I slam into it in a brutal head-on collision.

It’s like I’m in an avalanche sometimes, but every boulder I run into fades from memory until the next one. This amnesia is chronic!

This morning, panicked that I’m going to have to get on a chemical solution for my mood swings, my friends (the ones in Spirit who are awake at 2 a.m.!) inspired me to search for “depression and spiritual.”

That’s when I learned the deep, dark secret. Sure, many of us are searching to join Earth in her ascension to the 5th dimension. That’s awesome and all. But, damn, it’s not easy AT ALL. One of the sites I clicked on, Ascension Symptoms at http://www.ascensionsymptoms.com/, pretty much laid it out for me.

The list is expansive, and many of the symptoms can be explained away as other things, but many of them can’t.

For example, last year, as I was preparing for the new school year of 2012-13, I bent over to pick up a piece of paper in my classroom. I’m a healthy person. I’ve actually run a few 5K races, but when I stood up that day my heart started racing and wouldn’t stop. The palpitations continued even after sitting still and yoga breathing. Forty-five minutes later, I drove myself to the clinic where it was suggested that I go to the hospital. In the hospital, they did two days’ worth of tests and they came up with — nothing. My heart is healthy as a horse’s. Since then, I’ve done research.

Yeah, you got it. Palpitations are an awakening symptom. This has happened twice since then, but now that I understand, I just sit and breathe and wait for the wave to pass.

Other symptoms come and go with minor notice: migraines, loss of appetite, ringing and buzzing in the ears, the need to commune with nature — watch me randomly pull into a park to put a hand on an especially impressive tree. Weird, I tell ya! But I’m not crazy, I swear. Trust me, I’ve wondered that, but they tell me crazy people don’t think they’re going crazy.

Okay, so I’m not exactly healthy as a horse. In 2007 I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis after complaining of an odd sensation in my feet. They did tests and decided I have the brain plaques that they tie to MS, where the body fights itself. But the MS hasn’t taken me yet. I’m fighting it. My Soul won’t let my Body give in.

Maybe I am crazy, I think the MS is a symptom of awakening!

So, what to do about these symptoms?

Experts remind us that these symptoms might be symptoms of something more severe. Check with your health professional first. Because I had a full check-up, I now know that my palpitations do not have a physical origin, so I can sit it out until the palpitations pass without fear or concern. After all, we should take care of ourselves — this is our only body during this process. Keep it healthy and protected.

Another suggestion is to follow your inner guidance always — if my gut is knotted over something, I follow-up. And, as I continue growing spiritually, I try to clean up my diet. It’s hard, but I’m trying. To control my MS, I take vitamins and have fresh veggies as much as possible. But I’m not perfect. I should go Gluten-free. That’s my next goal. I think eating more naturally and less chemically is crucial as our bodies assimilate into the higher vibrations.

My advice to myself and any who are also feeling the symptoms is to consider treating ascension symptoms holistically. Maybe some Reiki or other hands-on healing would help, as well as natural remedies instead of the harsh medications that many times come with a list of side-effects.

All the heavy, ascension stuff aside, though. Just breathe and ground and love, my friends. I can tell you that what waits for us is amazing. My heart floods with warmth when I consider the possibilities of the coming years. I don’t know how it’s all going to unfold, but judging by the world my teachers wove for me in the dragonfly’s university, it’s going to be worth it.

And remember, Namaste –

I honor the place in you in which the entire universe dwells.

I honor the place in you which is of love, of truth, of light, and of peace.

When you are in that place in you

and I am in that place in me,

we are one.


The Dragonfly’s Student