“If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me,” Luke 9:23
How can anyone in this day and age actually do what Jesus spoke of in Luke? That’s one of the questions I asked myself before I took off on my Vision Quest. Of course, back then, I was not asking the question with Jesus in mind. I was initially going on a journey of self discovery. Although I strongly believed in the stories of the Bible, I had not compared my spiritual journey to anything spoken of in that book. After all, I was speaking to Spirit, something religion judges.
What Jesus was speaking about is our need to completely release our connection to the world that keeps us from the True Knowledge of the self. We must be willing to destroy one part of us to rebuild another.
When I began this Vision Quest in June of 2014, I thought I knew what I was doing. I was following an Inner Knowledge burning in my heart. I knew I had to come to terms with that part of myself before I could go on. I thought I would go back to the life I was escaping, only stronger and wiser.
I returned to Miami stronger and wiser. Unfortunately, my former life is not where my Inner Knowledge was taking me. I knew the answer to my questions would not be in that old life that drove me to search. The Inner Knowing was driving me toward something else, something that I’ve only now been able to identify as “helping Gaia and doing the work of the Creator.”
On this journey, I have been studying. As a kid, I would flock to the fiction section of the library. That’s what I identified with most. I learned from what happened to the heroines in the stories I gravitated toward. Then I started writing my own stories. Looking back now, though, what I was writing were stories that spoke to my own spiritual journey.
What I read now focuses a light on the steps I’ve taken in my life. Yes, I’m reading “Truther” posts and books about spiritual messages and lessons, but I’m also regularly reading the Bible, the Torah, the Nag Hammadi documents, The Book of Enoch, and many other writings about the history of mankind. I’m using this knowledge to grow my own Inner Light.
I’ve been meditating. My meditations lead to me connecting with my Higher Self and, through her, with my Creator. I’m led to review all of my motives and my actions and how they relate to the world around me. I’ve also learned to turn the world upside down (what is up is really down, what is right may actually be wrong) as I formulate a conclusion.
That kind of thinking can blow your mind, but I’m better able now to make decisions after I’ve considered every possibility from the viewpoint of what is important to me. (I can’t imagine thinking upside down and still having to teach raucous teen-agers. That’s actually what was happening my last year as a teacher, but that’s another story.)
I’ve been writing. With all that I’ve been learning, I’ve decided to write about my journey, a kind of memoir. Writing leads to more meditation and more reading, making this memoir more like a bunch of thoughts skipping around on the timeline of my life right now! This NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month) project will not be complete for a while.
Essentially, what I’ve been doing on this Vision Quest is changing. A metamorphosis, it seems. This is why this part of the journey is really difficult for anyone. Suddenly, you don’t feel comfortable where you are, things you used to enjoy make you cringe. You look into your spiritual mirror and are flabbergasted by what you did to your spiritual self.
When I took off with my puppy and El Juglador, I was following an Inner Knowing I was unable to identify. I’ve learned to grow stronger in my Inner Knowing. The hardest part for me came down to differentiating between my spiritual quest and my functions as a mother, wife, teacher, daughter, sister, and aunt. That is a painful truth to accept in order to further my own spiritual growth. We have been told, after all, to not be selfish. While many of my family members have accepted this change in me, there remain a couple who don’t agree. Those are the voices that continue to haunt me and will need to be satisfied eventually.
The decision I made will make many question my sanity. This is my testimony. I have chosen to follow the inner knowing I feel comes from Higher Self. I know that I will not be disappointed with the results of my actions, for my Strength is my Faith. Yes, I truly believe I am being guided by a Higher Source to the destiny of my sol, my inner light, my own God Spark.
Some of my friends have told me that they envy what I’m doing. They wish they had the guts to do the same. Please understand, this is my quest, my friends. Don’t take that as a judgment on your journey. Maybe what drives you, what motivates you and makes you happy, is right where you are now, spreading your light and inner knowledge with your family, your friends, your students. Your journey is yours, and not mine to compare.
I encourage you to analyze your own beliefs, actions, and intent to strengthen your faith in the actions you take every day, for if you are following the Truth in your heart, you have nothing to fear.
Much love to you, my friends. I insert a song that’s been haunting me since my youth. I continue on my journey now as your ever faithful, …
The Dragonfly’s Student