Let me preface this by admitting this post is going to be very uncomfortable for me. But, well, here goes…
“Order up!” The call comes from the kitchen that is my heart. Like an impatient manager, it’s ready to place the answers in front of me now.
I stepped into this life to play a role. We all do, to tell you the truth. In my beliefs, we plot out an existence and we step into the avatar we chose to take us through the game of life. It’s not really the definition my friends in organized religion will accept. I may end up losing some of you. I get that.
The thing is, there’s always been a hole in my life. I’ve been looking for that role I chose to play. I’ve searched high and low, hitting on nibbles that felt right. I would latch onto the answers I thought were mine – I’m a Singer or a Writer or a dutiful Daughter or a Journalist or a Wife and Mother or that rebellious Friend or that Teacher kids could talk to. Yes, I was all of those, and I was satisfied, but that hole in my soul remained.
Many times I would fill that hole with movement –Can’t stop. Can’t relax. Have to write. Have to drive. Have to talk. That action was necessary. Like my new puppy, I couldn’t stop. I needed to move. The movement served to numb me so that I couldn’t spend too much time focusing on whether I was truly happy. I thought I was and that was enough for me. I think the perpetual motion was because I was scared.
Then the dragonfly entered my life. I became obsessed with writing for him. Again, though, I wasn’t filling that hole. The thing is, I didn’t know I was searching to fill the hole. I didn’t accept anything was missing. I couldn’t understand why I wasn’t happy, though. I should have been. I have a fulfilling job that sometimes makes me yank my hair out because it’s too limiting; a loving, if at times frustrating family; an outlet for my creative tendencies. Really, anyone would say I’m lucky, and I get that.
But the hole is still there.
This school year, my realities have come together in a massive highway pile-up. It showed. There is no one who knows me personally who can ignore the fact that something has been off with me.
I think the hole is that I haven’t found my true role. If you ask me who I am, I will tell you what I do. That is just my Fictional Self, is what I’m learning now.
As Dr. Phil says, outside of the identity you show the world, “There is another level of existence that is the real, true, genuine substance of who you are. It’s … the authentic self.” (http://www.drphil.com/articles/article/73 )
The authentic self is the you that can be found at your absolute core. It is the part of you not defined by your job, function or role. It is the composite of all your skills, talents and wisdom. It is all of the things that are uniquely yours and need expression, rather than what you believe you are supposed to be and do.
Enter my spiritual search.
I’ve finally found something that excites me and fulfills me, that combines the joys I’ve had over my life and turns them into something special. I’ve found something that makes me feel whole and blessed. This new existence accesses my love of writing and music and acknowledges the voices of my spiritual reality. But this joy doesn’t work well with my other identities.
After years searching for the perfect tattoo to represent my beliefs about myself, a student hit the nail on the head and sketched the answer. It is a bracelet containing an infinity symbol topped by a red rose in bloom (what I’ve always considered myself to be.) The infinity symbol says I am Eternal. The rose says I am Ephemeral.
The third part of the bracelet is the wings of my Guardian Angel of Music. The wings affirm that I am Divine. I am part of that beautiful world where all souls originate.
Together they have become my new mantra: I am Eternal, I am Ephemeral, I am Divine.
So as I embark on this summer’s Vision Quest, I’m searching for the Authentic Me. I’m digging through the layers of the Ogre I have become to find that sweet spot in my core.
I want to get to know the me I originally meant to become. Sometimes I wonder if it would be easier if human bodies were test tube creations until the Spirit was ready. You know, I imagine myself stepping into Bodies-R-Us and picking out the perfect model with just the right programs that would work to enhance my goals instead of working against them. Maybe, even, there would be a money back guarantee and I could swap out if that body’s programs frazzled on me unexpectedly.
Yeah, that would be wonderful. Except that would mean opting out of all the fun stuff of childhood and high school and college. Those were the best times usually, with a few hard knocks here and there! The thing about living is that everything you experience becomes engraved in the record of your body’s hard drive. When you want to ignore a lesson that is no longer relevant, the needle skips (hopefully) or, God forbid, scratches through the relevant track. And since being a Walk-In Spirit is not an option for me – I’ve just recently learned that this can and does happen – I’m going to have to work through my own filters to find the authentic me that lives underneath the layers.
I’m going to have to re-record the music of my reality this summer.
My goal is to come out of it knowing who I really am and what I really want to do with my life. Pretty big order, I know, and as the waiter approaches, I sit back and hope I don’t have to throw any part of my dinner away.