I Want To Be Good

 

Like an angry rock star, sometimes I want to scream and pull my hair out.

“What am I doing?” I say to no one, or maybe to everyone. “Somebody help me. Somebody guide me. What should I do?”

When my faith is strong, I know my beloved teachers are listening to me and guiding me from just the other side of the veil. My faith is not always that strong when the realities of this world weigh heavy on me. At those times, I want to run away.

I light the incense and the candles, and then I revert to the classic prayers of my childhood before opening the dialog. And like the good Catholic girl who still lives in my heart, I fall to my knees and beg for guidance. I want to do good. I want to follow this inner compass beating deep within my soul, but the yoke of expectations is choking me.

Why can’t the answers be fed to me, like some spiritual telegraph.

That’s not how it works, I know is their answer. The answer to my doubt has to come from myself. That’s the only way this “Free Will” thing works. I need to make my own decisions based on what feels right and strong in my heart.

Sometimes, though, other voices speak louder than my heart — not mysterious voices from the great beyond or the dark unknown. Voices that sound oddly like things I used to say when I thought I had the answers. That’s what makes it tough. That’s what makes me wonder what is guiding me and if I’m doing the right thing.

At the end of the day, though, the love of my teachers shows me the way, but, many times, I still scream.

And yet still, I have faith,

 

The Dragonfly’s Student

 

 

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5 thoughts on “I Want To Be Good”

  1. something beautiful i was told is that god already knows your choices – we don’t need to make the “right choices” to please him – he wants us to witness ourselves making these choices to prove to ourselves that we hold the answers within and watch ourselves be the facilitators of our miracles and not just feel as though we are worthless in the whole process but that fulfilling our heartfelt needs matters and is a part of it. being able to trust ourselves by appreciating how perfect our choices are gives us more power and ability to surrender to the world that is waiting to collaborate with us – we just need the confidence we have in the “ethereals” in ourselves – we are what we seek 🙂

  2. Love is the answer. But what is love? A classic definition is ” to will the good to another even at your own expense “. It is in the giving that we receive and in the dying to self that we are most alive. We don’t need to be fed the answer, we know it, we just don’t want to hear it. So the crux of the issue is to be open and accept what we know. It’s easier to deny truth for our self motivated deceptions. Focus outside of yourself and it will open the door to the interior life. The smaller you are (ego) the larger you are. Peace.

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