I Want To Be Good

 

Like an angry rock star, sometimes I want to scream and pull my hair out.

“What am I doing?” I say to no one, or maybe to everyone. “Somebody help me. Somebody guide me. What should I do?”

When my faith is strong, I know my beloved teachers are listening to me and guiding me from just the other side of the veil. My faith is not always that strong when the realities of this world weigh heavy on me. At those times, I want to run away.

I light the incense and the candles, and then I revert to the classic prayers of my childhood before opening the dialog. And like the good Catholic girl who still lives in my heart, I fall to my knees and beg for guidance. I want to do good. I want to follow this inner compass beating deep within my soul, but the yoke of expectations is choking me.

Why can’t the answers be fed to me, like some spiritual telegraph.

That’s not how it works, I know is their answer. The answer to my doubt has to come from myself. That’s the only way this “Free Will” thing works. I need to make my own decisions based on what feels right and strong in my heart.

Sometimes, though, other voices speak louder than my heart — not mysterious voices from the great beyond or the dark unknown. Voices that sound oddly like things I used to say when I thought I had the answers. That’s what makes it tough. That’s what makes me wonder what is guiding me and if I’m doing the right thing.

At the end of the day, though, the love of my teachers shows me the way, but, many times, I still scream.

And yet still, I have faith,

 

The Dragonfly’s Student

 

 

The Sun Breaks Through the Haze

The sun beats down like a shower of rain, warming my upturned face. The clouds clear and I look forward to a break in the haze of my life.

“Open your eyes,” I hear.

And in the breath of a moment I know. My eyes shoot open. I haven’t seen him in ages, but his voice warms me.

Beloved cradles my face in his hand. His thumb gently running over my cheek, but I have a distinct feeling he’s not here for me.

“We have work to do,” he says. He takes my hand and steps back through a colorful haze. “I have been tasked with this challenge.”

Deep in the back of my mind, in that part where 3D me lives, I know this is not real. I know there’s no way I could be walking through a cool bank of color-rich clouds painted like pastel-tinged Easter eggs. He guides me through the edges of the forest that border that university campus where the Dragonfly led my lessons. The music of our footsteps completes the fantasy, and the 3D mind falls asleep.

“You have been given a gift.”

I nod, even though I don’t know what he’s talking about.

“Your words will reach many for us.”

“Us?”

I could tell you what he said, word for word, but some of my readers will miss the point, he tells me. It’s about love and the Law of One, and the Children of the Law of One and Synchronicity and Harmony and Home.

“Tell them without the metaphors,” he smiles and I laugh. I know he’s kidding. He’s one of those who thrives on metaphors when he talks, but not as heavily as Teacher used to. I guess this is too important for metaphors.

“Stand up and scream this to whoever wants to listen. We are immortal. Not just me and my like on this side of the veil, my dear. We are all. This is carved into your memory, but many don’t remember or won’t accept this legacy. Too many believe they are sinners, not realizing what sets them apart.”

And then I understand. The truth has been kept from us for a very long time. We try to be the best that we can, but the fear that has been fed us keeps us from feeling the love that our Source gives us every millisecond of every day.

“And the stars are helping,” Beloved says. The portal is opening. The more who realize by the time the portal closes, the more will step forward as warriors of the front lines.

“I don’t understand, Beloved. How am I supposed to help those who won’t be helped?” I refuse to force-feed my words. That’s not the kind of teacher I am. “That’s what my students love most about me – I reach them through their filters and help them find their own way.”

“And that is what you must continue doing.” Taking my hands in his, he lays them flat, running his fingers over them.

I close my eyes and focus on what I feel. His fingers are not touching me, but my palms tickle. In that place where my imagination lives, I see liquid gold pouring over my hands and my eyes flutter open again.

“What are you doing? What am I supposed to be doing?” The fear squeaks out despite my attempts to be brave.

“Shhh.” He signals me to close my eyes again as he continues this blessing over my hands. “Fear not. You will not be alone. There are others. You will be like rays leading the way. It may be difficult for you, but you will be opening the portal without the need for the planets to align again.”

His voice takes on a more serious tone, “Many humans have lost the ability to love themselves. It’s more than what Jesus said about loving others as oneself, it is about loving oneself as one loves the being they know as God.”

Beloved sits on a marble-like bench, motioning me to sit next to him, then he continues, “When they judge they turn from that which they call God, but God is within them. Loving self is key to loving God and loving God is key to loving self. Without that, hope is lost.” He clears his throat from the emotion that had built up. “When you pray to God, you are praying to the best part of you. Man is made in the image of God, after all. When that realization is made … ” his voices disappears in the thought.

“Is that my mission, my love?” My voice is timid, petrified by the answer I know he’s hiding.

“That is one,” he says. “You and the rays who will be working together are on the front lines of this war for the souls who are too easily led by fear.”

Just as quickly as this vision started, it ends, and I can’t help it. I fall to my knees and sob.

 

The Dragonfly’s Student

 

The trickle of messages start to flood

When the signs come, I can’t hide from the flood of synchronicity.

Another message from Spirit came to me randomly this morning. As I pulled into the parking lot at work, a new version of the classic song that moved me so much just weeks ago launched with an “exclusive” tag. I had to listen to the entire thing, an acoustic cover by another of my favorite groups, and, by the time it was over, I was addicted.

Like a compulsion, I played and replayed the song throughout the day, wondering why I seemed to have no control. I finally stopped when I left for home. Then, as if jealous that I was no longer paying attention, the song played again randomly later in the night. Searching my mind for the breadcrumbs and the synchronicity, I waited to understand what I’m being told.

Then it hit me.

I’ve been talking about wanting to make a Vision Quest this summer, a hunt for my true self and the answers to those eternal questions. I’ve scoured websites and bought books, but have yet to make the real map or detailed plan. I have barely touched the books.

I continue to wait, expecting, I guess, for the trickle of signs to remain barely less than a drizzle. Maybe it’s time. I think Spirit is leading me somewhere. This song is about taking a drive on the long empty road ahead of us (well, at least my interpretation is.)

What will this Vision Quest mean to me? I don’t know. Maybe that’s why I’m dragging my feet. Maybe I’m afraid of the changes I’ll encounter or the lessons I’ll learn about myself. Maybe I’m scared of digging deeper into my psyche and discovering who I really am.

On the other hand, maybe what will happen will be wonderful and will change my life and I’m scared to live a different life than the one I’ve become too comfortable with.

The question is, will I be strong enough to take the first step or will Spirit be forced to continue flooding me with signs until I drown in a Great Flood of synchronicity I become blind to? I hope I can see through my weaknesses to find my inner strength.

*Big Empty covered by Gemini Syndrome:

Much love,

The Dragonfly’s Student

Tick, Tock, Dragonfly

Tick,  ….

Time is irrelevant, I know, but I’m human. My life has been guided by those hands that rotate around twelve numbers, by alarm bells that end classes, by stop lights that turn green, by the idea of a deadline.

Relax, Writer. Breathe. Everything’s going to be So’k.

I want to believe that, really, but I want everything to get better today. And ever since Teacher left me on my own, my impatience has gotten worse. And as the stress and impatience degrades, it triggers moods that make it difficult for those friends to break through.

I’ve stopped looking for signs because I don’t think they’re coming.

Tick,

Then my dad invited me to a family dinner because something inside of him urged him to invite me. A dragonfly led us down the right street.

Then a friend send me song lyrics because a strong urge hit her to share a song she’d remembered while she was working in her yard.

Then another friend begged me to help her deal with a problem she knew I’d understand.

Helpless, I allowed myself to be led through the evening.

I was pleasantly surprised.

The family dinner lifted my mood. The friend with the problem made me feel loved and powerful. And the song lyrics … well, they helped me connect.

The song was one I’d never heard by a band I didn’t know. The lyrics felt like a pat on the back. The words of the last line my friend had cut-and-pasted, “I’ll meet you there to say a quick hello,” left me with a soft smile.

Then, the box under that text, the box where I was about to write back to my friend … It wasn’t blank. Something had already been written, as if from me, except I hadn’t written anything.

The word? – “hello”

Tick,

With that quick comment, I remembered. It’s not too late. I’m not alone. When I thought I was running out of time, my Spirit friends reached out to help, just as they help you.

Sometimes, that help our friends in Spirit send our way comes with a special nudge to invite someone who may need a healing laugh to share dinner with you. Sometimes it could be the thought that maybe the friend you haven’t talked to in a while would be perfect to help you. Maybe it’s that ear worm that makes you think of someone.

See, one of the lessons I learned from Teacher is very difficult to remember when the clock keeps ticking down on life this side of the veil. There is no ticking clock for them. The only deadline is the one set by us on this side.

Tick

The clock on the wall keeps turning, and I keep begging to hear more from the friends I had to leave behind when I came back. What this grouping of signs I received is teaching me is that they are always trying to talk to us. We just need to listen.

It also wouldn’t hurt if we stop waiting for the …

… Tock.

Until the next lesson, my friends, I remain,

The Dragonfly’s Student

 

So’k by Dramagods.

The Gift of Eloquence

I was minding my own business when he showed up again. On the tour bus heading to Blarney Castle in Ireland, I closed my eyes to catch a few minutes of meditation during this busy, tourist-spot heavy bus tour. He popped into my meditation space.

“I’m back!” Teacher said.

Shaking my head, I questioned this awkward intrusion into the otherwise peaceful world where I like to spend my free time. I mean, it’s not that I didn’t want to see him again. I’ve been begging for him to come back to me, but I knew this was going to be a quick visit. I wanted more.

“Why are you here now?”

He smiled that wickedly funny smile of his and changed. Suddenly, he’s dressed like a leprechaun, only a heck-load taller. Green hat and top coat and trousers. Green and white striped socks. All that was missing was the ginger beard.

“You be havin’ to kiss the Blarney stone, don’t you know?”

“What? Why?”

My questions came too late. Just as quickly as he appeared, he was gone. Kiss the Blarney stone? I hadn’t really thought about it. I’d heard passing comments about the old legend, but it was just a story, I thought. Suddenly, it was an order.

Kissing the stone, set in a wall below the battlements of Ireland’s Blarney Castle, is said to bless the person with the eternal gift of eloquence. Legendary lips, including those of politicians and writers, have touched the cool surface.

It’s not an easy task Teacher set out for me. To finally place my lips on the spot where thousands of others have been, I needed to climb narrow, winding steps to reach the castle’s peak. Once there, a white-haired volunteer took my glasses, directing me to lie on my back and grab the bars set on either side. Then I inched back and lowered my head until my lips were confronted with the stone that seemed cool and smooth to me.

Only afterward did I even consider the implied dangers that might stop others. In addition to the sundried list of issues someone may have with placing their lips on a germ-filled stone, in order to fit under the wall, I had to release my inhibitions and allow myself to be guided to the right spot. I had to have faith that I was in no danger and that this would be fine.

I had faith that Teacher was guiding me to where I needed to be. Only guessing at the reason, I supposed he wanted me to use the gift of eloquence to write this blog or the books I know are tickling at my fingertips. I’ll give it a shot, I thought.

And when I did and came up, I knew the magic was working to at least give me a sense of euphoria.

The legend of the stone, at least one of the stories, says the original stone was Jacob’s Pillow, brought to the island by the prophet Jeremiah. It became an oracle of sorts to Irish kings, similar to Harry Potter’s sorting hat for kings. Other stories place it as the deathbed pillow of St. Columba and the Crusade’s “Stone of Ezel.” The legend I choose to believe is the one that claims a witch revealed its power to the MacCarthy clan.

The magic it holds, though, is its ability to get me to release all my doubts and trust in the guidance I had received. I still have problems with that.

I share this with you, readers, to admit that faith is not easy to accept. To have faith, you have to let go of everything you had expected and had dreamed of. Sometimes, that’s easy because the challenge is simple and part of your plan. At other times, the challenge goes against everything you had known before.

Those are the hardest.

I only hope the challenges that follow will be as easy to accept as this one was.

Until next class, dear friends, I am, ever-faithfully,

 

The Dragonfly’s Student

image
Rising up after kissing the magical stone.