The Pink Door

In meditation today, I was told to look for the door into my heart – the door that protects me from the suffering of living life on Earth. It’s time for me to break down the door, Teacher said. I do not need the illusion of protection. I need to open the door to my heart and allow myself to receive love, not just from the outside world, but from myself.

As I approached my house, I was led to a secondary entrance that I’d never even known existed.

“Come in,” the purple and blue dragonfly hovers over the door, so, with only a pause of hesitation, I step through the door. Sometimes I wonder if I’m too trusting. The door closes behind me and the point of entry disappears.

I am in a long hallway that seems to have no end, and I’m alone. Teacher stayed outside when I came in. I consider panicking, but I’m not in the mood to be needy again. Really, I’m sick of that part of me.

“Put one foot in front of the other,” the voice sings, reminding me of one of my favorite Christmas cartoons, so I do just as Kris Kringle told Winter Warlock. Funny, I hadn’t thought of myself as Winter Warlock.

I do as I’m told. It’s a long walk. The end of the hallway approaches. I feel relieved. Then I realize the hallway turns, kind of surprising since my house is really half a house! I follow that hallway to its conclusion only to be led down another. It goes on and on from long hallway to shorter hallway to longer ones again. One takes me up a short flight of stairs, another brings me down at an angle so steep I have to hold myself up against the walls.

Once, I pass Teacher wearing a tight-fitting blue Polo with the word SECURITY emblazoned over his chest. He is holding a walkie-talkie and sitting on a stool.

“Move along,” he says, like a school security guard.

“Why is this so long and boring?” I ask.

“Don’t blame me, this is the protection you’ve set up.”

Damn it.

I keep walking, my steps now infused with a renewed sense of determination. This is ridiculous. I wonder if I can make this shorter. I imagine the possibilities – maybe roller skates and tearing down the walls? Maybe a moving sidewalk?

Finally, the hallway ends at a closed door; a pink door – yeah, that’s something I’d do. At eye-level, there’s a bright-red heart like the kinds you get on Valentine’s Day, except, this isn’t a normal romantic heart. This one has the spots and antennae of a Ladybug. Out of the corner of my eye, I think I see it actually move its wings.

“You’re there,” Teacher says from behind me. “Open it.”

With my hand on the golden handle, I wiggle my fingers, but I can’t open it. Not that I physically can’t. I just can’t bring myself to exposing so much of my heart.

I turn to look at him. “What if I open it?”

“By opening it you will be allowing yourself to access the love that you carry with you.” His voice softens, “You don’t do that very much, my dear. You love a lot, but you don’t allow yourself to feel love – either of others or your own for yourself.”

“But wouldn’t opening it leave me vulnerable?”

“What is wrong with that?”

“Have you been human much?” My words come out in a sort of whine. “I don’t want to get hurt.”

“But by leaving it closed you are not allowing yourself to feel the love that flows in your heart. Don’t you want to know how much you can feel? How much you can love yourself?”

His words wend their way through the valleys of my brain and find something to latch onto. I don’t know, but I don’t want to live a life of “what if’s.” My hand, warm on the handle, finally twists it, and the door opens to let me in.

But it’s not in. It’s out. The door has led me to the back patio of my meditation house. It overlooks a marvelous view of the ocean where dolphins leap into the air and dive back into the water. As they play, I feel their joy injecting my soul. I feel light. I feel peace. I feel love.

“Are you happy now?” Teacher asks, stepping through the door to stand at my side.

My arms wrapped around me, I smile when I realize I’m hugging myself. I feel such tremendous joy right now – at the vision of the frolicking dolphins, at the brilliant blue of the ocean, at the soft breeze blowing my hair into my face, at the fact the door is now open.

“Do not doubt that you are worthy of this feeling,” a voice says. But it’s not Teacher who says this. It is Nituna, another dear Spirit Guide — the one most like my soul. “We’ve been waiting for you.”

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The Dragonfly’s Student

Physical reminders

Today, the anniversary of the day my Beloved found me again, I take a walk with my friends. 

“Remember that day?” Beloved says, holding tight to my hand as if unwilling to lose me again.

I remember. There is no way to forget. “I was sitting alone under the umbrella at the coffee shop,” I say, getting lost in the memory again. I hadn’t recognized him at first. He looked nothing like what I remembered, then I looked into his eyes and the blueness took my breath away.

Teacher pushes my elbow and rips me from my thoughts. “Aren’t you two grateful that I remembered, at least. Can you imagine if I hadn’t told him you were my student?”

“I would never have forgiven you,” Beloved says, laying an arm lightly over my shoulders. 

“I mean, really, you would have found each other. It was simply a matter of time.” Teacher continues walking ahead of us, not realizing my love and I have slowed our pace.

Shaking my head sadly, I remember the desperation I had been feeling that day.

“No, Teacher. The time was right. Beloved needed to find me. This life is too hard sometimes, even knowing there is a world beyond the one in which we live. Sometimes the lack of physical proof is too daunting for a being who feels detached from her friends.”

My hand pops to the ever-present charm my Beloved gave me shortly after that day. That is my proof. I don’t know what I would do on those days when I have to walk through life alone without the solid reminder of his presence in my life. I know I am luckier than most. I have found my proof. Only the occasional bout with doubt sends me into a tailspin for a few hours before I run through my list of reminders again.

I know I am lucky. Not many others notice the reminders like I do. Not many others walk through their lives with open eyes searching for the words of love their friends send their way. Sometimes it’s a random tap on the elbow by a lone vine that leads to a beautiful flower. Sometimes it’s a brilliant butterfly hovering lightly over a flower hidden between a tree and a wall. Sometimes it’s simply that bumper sticker that makes you laugh.

Even though I know my friends are always with me, I still question my reality. On those long days when I feel the separation from my friends most harshly, I ask them for reminders to keep me faithful, to keep me from losing hope. And sometimes, when the time is right, a reminder is placed in my path.

Today, when I was forced to leave my friends, I carried three reminders of our walk: A purple flower that is Teacher’s staple reminder and two feathers, one black, one white, to remind me of Beloved’s true love.

Today is going to be a brilliant day. Enjoy it, my friends.

 

Love always,

The Dragonfly’s Student

 

The ruins at Altun Ha

Along the edges of this property, past the ruins where a priest was buried in a tomb of Jade, stands a tree that reminded me of a love that transcends time and space. Its shadow eclipsing the small pond, a palm tree stands in the all-consuming embrace of a Banyan tree, and the ruins of the Mayan people who lived here centuries before faded. My Beloved had found a new way to remind me of his love.

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The Dragonfly’s Student
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The Roommate Retreat

In the silence of the classroom after class has let out, I feel a sense of bravery. Only Teacher and I remain in the classroom. He is grading our latest exams. I stayed to talk.

“Why did you seek me out, Teacher? Seriously, I had no clue this school existed until that day you showed up in my classroom.”

Teacher glances at me out of the corner of his eye. “I had to. You’d forgotten our deal.”

“What deal? I’d never met you.”

“Is that what you think? Really? After all of this time?”

I chuckle. “Nah, it’s not really what I think anymore. Heck I dropped everything to follow you, dude.” I tap my fingers on my thigh until I work up the nerve again. “The thing is, Doubt is an evil neighbor. I go through life wearing rose-tinted glasses that blind me to the crap everyone else experiences, but every now and again I wonder how real my life is.”

My confession shocks me, but Teacher in unfazed.

Sometimes I wonder if I’m just making all of this up.

“What would you be making up?” See, that’s what I’m talking about. How come he can read my mind?

“What would I be making up?” I repeat the question. “You, my classmates, this school, this life,” I list my doubts. “I wonder if I’m still a teacher in room 406 just creating a really great fantasy world.” I focus my gaze on his steely blue eyes. “Is this all just a figment of my imagination?”

“It’s not in the 3D, that much I can tell you,” Teacher answers, setting aside his purple marking pen and another graded packet. “My dear, that 3D world you worry about so much is not reality. This is your reality.”

“What?” I try to shake the cobwebs of uncertainty out of my head. “How can my imagination be more real than the place where my body lives?”

“If you have to ask, your heart is not in it yet.”

He pushes himself from the desk and approaches me.

“Of course my Heart is in this. I love this life. I’d rather be here than anywhere else.”

“And your Soul? Where is your Soul?”

“My Soul? Isn’t that the same as my Heart? I’m confused.”

“Mind, Body, Soul, and Heart. Those are the four parts of you that share your existence. Four Roommates, if you will.”

“I’ve heard this, Teacher.”

“But you’re still questioning.”

“Well…” I stumble over an excuse that will help me save face. I’m supposed to be his TA. I’m supposed to know all of this.

“You’re still unsure.”

To keep from meeting his gaze, I glance at the purple and blue Dragonfly pendant I’ve placed on my bracelet. I feel him walking closer. “I don’t know what I’m sure of anymore.”

The words rip at my Soul, that part of me that knows every facet of my essence.

“What’s the difference between your Heart and your Soul?” Teacher crouches next to my desk, and the question causes the dam holding back my tears to burst. His hand brushing the top of my head soothes, but not enough to stop the pain.

“This is your Heart causing your tears. Your Soul doesn’t doubt. Your Soul knows the truth your Mind can’t accept. So when doubt causes you pain, that’s simply a roommate issue. Doubt is just a nickname for Mind those times she thinks too much.

“When you accept the reality of me, the reality of your Soul, your roommates take sides. Mind and Body in the physical, Heart and Soul with the Spirit. Logically, it would be difficult for Body to join them all in the Spirit World, but, ah, if we could join them all in the physical, now that would be heavenly!”

Suddenly, it all makes sense. “If we could get the roommates to accept each other in the 3D physical world…”

“That’s why you’re having so much trouble with this, dear Writer, but you are so close. If your Mind can accept your Heart and Soul in all of their varying forms, then all the body needs to do is live in the Now and enjoy her new blessing.”

Now to schedule a friendly roommate retreat to get everyone on the same page!

“Thank you, Teacher. You are too patient!

Until next time, dear classmates, I remain your ever-faithfullly,

The Dragonfly’s Student